So, 33… I’ll be honest the road from 32 to 33 was by far the most turbulent year yet — internally. I went through a spiritual, emotional, mental warfare which I now know was a transitioning, an uncomfortable ushering towards today. I was born in Zimbabwe, and I moved to England at age 14 and for most of my time in Zimbabwe, I was very quiet, almost mute in fact. Anyone who knows me will laugh at this because I am the loudest babe — both vocally and in spirit but this came much later for me than most would expect. I hope my memory serves me right when I say that the culture around raising women and girls in Zimbabwe (especially in my younger days, might be different now) was around being subdued and submissive and to never disrupt the status quo. In fact, I remember when I was 11/12 when a group of female teachers who were obviously triggered by my spirit called me to where they were gathered during one break time and basically gave me their peace of mind telling me things like “Who do you think you are? / You are no one / You are not special / You will never be anything special”. I was new to the school which, as would happen in any school, gingered the boys small, and it drew the teachers’ attention to me. I had not even entertained the boys, but I was the one at fault and the teachers wanted to make sure I don’t feel one ounce of confidence from all the attention from the boys. And they succeeded. These women hated my spirit, and I wasn’t even harnessing it then. I very much moved to the UK with all this doctrine in my psyche and even till today it is something I am consciously trying to unlearn. Something happened, maybe in my late teens and early 20s, and maybe some people will argue it was always there which I’m inclined to agree with, others might say British influence, but something happened in my late teens and suddenly my whole vibe was about NOT confirming AND disrupting the norm. I didn’t consciously decide on it, it was just an expression of my spirit and for many years I have lived this dance between who I was raised to be and who I was called to be.
This paradox has caused me great distress, particularly when I started dating because it always seemed as though the men were excited by the idea of me but (to me at the time), I was not meek and mild enough to be a girlfriend (or a wife). I internalised this even although I could not change even if I tried. And I think also not growing up with my dad — girls are usually affirmed emotionally and in terms of taking up space and navigating the world through the love from their fathers and my parents’ separation was inevitable but I’m pretty sure the time without my father made a huge dent in my spirit. With female friends as well, it was difficult because I was always on a different frequency and quite often people were either offended by me or overwhelmed, and again I could not change it even if I tried. Of course, social media changed the game and in my mid-to-late 20s I was fortunate enough to meet and gravitate towards kindred spirit and I was able to be myself without holding back to make others comfortable. But I would only do this with my closest friends & family and tap into the ‘managed’ self the rest of the time which quite frankly, was spiritually exhausting. As I have been transitioning out of this over the past year, I know now that my biggest issue is the fear of being misunderstood, the fear of being othered. Too many incidents have happened which I had internalised and I have always been an ‘other’, back home in Harare, then here in the UK, then in my social groups before I found my kin, and in my own family. I have not always been affirmed for who I actually am, so I adjusted myself, made myself small, held my tongue, laughed a little less loud etc etc. And while I think adapting is a very important skill, I am pretty sure it should never make one feel as displaced as I often did in my own mind. (Displacement has been a running theme in my life!).
When I displayed more meek and mild or domesticated behaviour, it would be affirmed (a superficial affirmation to me, but an affirmation nonetheless). And quite often being this milder version of myself was always linked to my higher likelihood of meeting a man and/or who will want to marry me. But then I met my Nigerian/Yoruba husband who for what seemed crazy to me at the time, wanted to be with my loud black girl magic self. And then I met the women in his family, and I thought, wow. These women are loud, confident, full of conviction, and they are encouraged to be this way and wholeheartedly loved as they are by their husbands. Yo, this shit blew my mind! I don’t know if any Zim huns married to Naija guys can relate? I am not the loud one, because we are all loud. I’m not the assertive one, because we are all assertive. I am not the crazy one because we are all crazy. They embraced my madness and on multiple occasions have encouraged me to add more pepper because my own brand of crazy is too mild! See God! My husband’s mother was an absolute force. I was so drawn to her spirit because while she belonged to her family, she equally belonged to herself. She owned all of who she was with a confidence I had never seen before — especially for someone of her generation. She laughed with her entire body, she danced, and you could feel her spirit, she was everything I had been taught was wrong about me but there she was so FULL of spirit. Genuinely, one of the most life affirming albeit short-lived relationships I have been lucky to have — may she continue to rest in power. I’ve talked about this before, but in all my search for belonging for most of my life, I found it in my husband and his family. I talk a lot about how my husband has changed my life and this is one of the ways he has (among many others). Before him, I had never considered marriage because of my fear of a man wanting me to change or be different. I am grateful for the gift of a partner and a marriage that has affirmed my spirit and there is a lovely quote by Kim Davalos, that speaks to me that says,
“Maybe it’s not so much about the person you want to be with and more so about the person you want to become with the partner you are with.”
On the friendship note, just before I got married, I had a huge fallout with someone close to me that I considered a friend and experiencing how this person had misunderstood me — probably on the highest level so far was soul-crushing. It took me months, maybe even a year to recover and only now can I see or think about the person without feeling that gut-wrenching feeling of being othered. But it taught me an important lesson, no matter how good of a person you think you are, no matter what bond you think you have with someone, sometimes that person will not and cannot see you for who you know yourself to be and while painful to accept, it’s actually OKAY. Another situation was with a friend who was quite literally my other half in my early 20s. Our lives were so intertwined and if you watch Grey’s Anatomy, think Meredith & Cristina — she was my person. Anyway, she got married and suddenly everything changed. I don’t know her reasons and we have never had the conversation but long story short we eventually cut ties and I remember experiencing my first heartbreak when I realised that the friendship had ended shortly after her wedding. I cried so hard because my heart was literally broken into a thousand pieces. (We don’t talk enough about friendship heartbreak — story for another day!). Point is, I no longer make it my business to convince someone to see me for me or to meet me halfway. There are people I have never had to convince and yet they have shown up for me, each time. Go where your spirit is held — end of. I have no hard feelings towards people who don’t get me, but wisdom (from the painful experiences) has taught me to be led by my spirit when it comes to friendships. It’s okay to have ‘good time’ friends and that be that, it’s okay to have my mentors & confidants, it’s okay that I’m besties with my sister/s, it’s okay to have an eclectic mix of friends but it’s absolutely important for me to listen to my intuition and know which ones and where to go for the varying friendship needs I have.
Over the course of a night out earlier this year, I had 3 separate conversations with people who don’t really know me. These 3 different people independently expressed things about me that were so accurate purely based on them seeing me being me whether online or in real life. I had not had any real conversations with them before, they were just making observations about who I am and unknowingly affirming me and let me tell you it’s crazy when you are who you think you are (cue Drake!) — who you KNOW you are. My friends tell me all the time, but they are my friends and have a lot more to base that on. But people who don’t know me like that telling me they love what I stand for, that I can be married and still be an individual, telling me that they love that I am not one-dimensional, that they love my free-spirit, they love how I present my fullest self, they love that I am myself with no shame particularly as a black African woman. Believe it or not I don’t get told these things often (Maybe other people do?). Two of the conversations really stayed with me; one younger woman said she wants to be like me when she grows up and the other said if she ever got married again, she would like to have my approach on marriage and self. I actually cried, the day after having these two particular conversations (32 to 33 was rough guys!), in one way out of shock from not feeling my usual feeling of being misunderstood but also, as if to invite a new way of being, I cried out of the fear of NOT being seen for who I really am, the way these people had seen me. The qualities that had caused me a lot of internal trauma, are the very things through which my light shines. I felt the power and the affirmation that comes when people who want to see the light in you, see you. For years I had internalised being misunderstood and ostracised and had gone into an exile of sorts, often avoiding being seen and connecting (or at least trying to!). But the fact is I am A LOT, I am extra, I am loud, I am spirited, I am high energy, I am a wild woman, a force, a free spirit, a vessel of never-ending stories and assertions, an insatiable seeker, I am who I am, and quite frankly, I am magical AF.
It would be very foolish of me to not realise and vocalise this way of being (my true Self) is indeed a spiritual calling of sorts. A calling which I have now answered. This call is from my first Home — Africa — that birthed me and lives within me and held me lovingly and patiently waiting for me to awaken to its energy. This call is from my ancestors, the Ndebele & Ndau women who came before me. This call is from the women in my life now, magical women who belong to themselves, my mothers, my aunties, my friends, women I have only met & connected with once or twice! I have truly been fortunate in this regard, and I see now that all of these women were and are a part of the big awakening. Much of my turmoil I feel has been the constant compromise and watering down of my spirit — my truest self — to make others comfortable, to fit in to whatever mould, to belong. 32 to 33 was the painful paradigm shift against everything I have been conditioned to be and I have conditioned myself to be and an ushering into what genuinely feels like a rebirth (it is my Jesus year after all!). In her book, Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype, a highly recommended read, Clarissa Pinkola Estes says,
“…to be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves.”
This is my return to Self.
My return to a deep knowing.
Happy Awakening Birthday to me.
#33
